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“Addicted to Pain, Reborn in Pleasure”
How to deal with pleasure with a trauma brain?
Lincy Patricia
April 21, 2025
Table of Contents
Intro of the essay:
If you’re like me, you might’ve built your identity around surviving. Around knowing pain, wearing it like second skin, maybe even feeling proud of how deep your darkness goes.
This isn’t a story of healing in the soft sense.
This is about the terrifying, sacred, violent choice to leave the familiarity of pain behind and learn what the hell pleasure even means.
And how goddamn hard it is to stay when your whole body only knows how to run.
Here’s what I’ve lived.
Next Level Living
“Addicted to Pain, Reborn in Pleasure”🚀🤤
If you are like me, then you used to (or maybe still) describe yourself as someone who knows pain. Maybe even identifies with it.
I’m no stranger to mental health labels: C-PTSD, borderline, chronic pain survivor, TBI. Just a few lenses I looked through to understand myself—without knowing that while these labels may hold truth (depending on who you ask), they were also the only lenses I had. And those lenses? They were part of what made me addicted to pain.
Pain was (and still is) my norm, for as long as I can remember.
Seeking pain and suffering was the world I lived in—without knowing it. I know that must sound fucking strange to people who weren’t born into trauma. People who learned from apologizing caretakers that they didn’t have to be perfect, so mistakes are just... normal.
Instead, I—and my fellow trauma peeps—are still out here chasing perfection we can never reach. No boundaries. No ability to say “no.” Accepting breadcrumbs and calling it love. Having sex with people without wanting to. Not knowing what wanting really is. Not being able to ask for comfort—or even worse—not even knowing that comfort is something you can ask for. Not knowing what love is, for real.
We don’t have the reference point, because our trauma brain is showing us the way. Always running from the threat that’s chasing us every second of every day—but never really catching us. So we just keep running. Completely mortified, living on adrenaline. Always—always—fearful and overly tired.
Not knowing what rest even feels like. Not having the experience of rest in your body is the norm for many people. Did you know? Are you one of them?
The feeling of safety is so foreign that you don’t even know it exists. Like another universe. Maybe even a multiverse. Pretending to have fun gets recognized as real fun—but true fun is only possible within the container of safety. And when that’s missing from the body, we build identities that mimic the behavior... but we never feel it within.
Because within, we were slowly dying. Numb to everything. Feeling was the biggest enemy of my life.
Now take the word “pleasure” and place it inside this story. What would that be like?
Yes… Impossible.
In December 2018—after 7 years of hell post-accident, and me being forcefully pushed into surrender—I had my first awakening. The moment the experience entered my field that everything is one. People call it “enlightenment” or “God consciousness.” I call it: THANK GOD I AM NOT ONLY MY PAIN.
But the experience of oneness isn’t the same as the bodily sensation of pleasure. That first awakening took me out of the body, so to speak. (Of course I was still in it—but everything became in the body, which is the same as everything outside the body… I’m sorry for not having better words for this.)
I spent a few years bathing in this realization—preparing my human system to experience what I call “the two in one.” That was my second awakening, in November 2024. The “I CAN” consciousness.
Like Alan Watts says: First the mountain is a mountain. Then it becomes no mountain. Then it becomes the mountain again.
(Again, I’m sorry for not having the perfect words.)
Anyway… Back in the body. With multiple perspectives. Being the human and being God.
This is the field where pleasure became possible—clear as day. And I immediately pivoted.
I am on the road of pleasure.
But no one told me how much fear would come with this new endeavor.
You’d think pleasure, safety, fulfillment, joy… those are the rewards, right? At least for your human experience. But since my system was addicted to suffering for 33 years, the echo of suffering is louder than the data I have for pleasure.
And because the brain only believes what it sees on repeat, the system still believes it’s in danger—because we’re shifting identities. We’re losing the “I” that was unconsciously built.
And yes—I know that that “I” never really existed (hello God consciousness). But don’t tell the human system. She doesn’t fucking care.
I’m moving out of the comfort zone of suffering, into my new paradigm of pleasure. It’s the same coin—but the other side.
Which means: We are moving through a hell of a forest of fear.
One of my favorite quotes is: “Everything you desire is on the other side of fear.”
But now I know: There is no other side of fear. There is just the knowing that fear is part of living. It will always be there. It just doesn’t have to be the only thing you see.
Learning pleasure for me is scary. I mean—you have to go deep and find out what you truly want.
Do you know a lot of people who know what they truly want, and choose to go for it? Who leave behind everything they’ve ever known, to build a new person—one who’s consciously chosen?
That’s not healing. That’s a death and a rebirth.
But in my case—I don’t have a choice. Now that awareness has shown me my addiction to suffering, I refuse to stay here.
Can you imagine me—consciously choosing suffering over pleasure because “the road scares me”? Please.
I’ve survived multiple deaths. This one will be added to the list. And I will relish in it.
I feel called to live this experience openly. The first one happened in darkness. Only my eyes were watching.
But now—I look around me and see so many of us unknowingly making suffering the norm. Breadcrumbs as love. No voice of their own. A “yes” when there’s really a “no.” A focus so misplaced that I wonder if they’ve ever touched a pleasure so deep that even suffering dissolves into her movement.
Of course, it’s all experienced in the moment. (The God consciousness.) But who knew that after that, the game was simply…
to be human again.
And who knew…
That being human was all we needed.
I have some 1:1 space open 👄🚬🤤
How one of my clients describe my coaching sessions:
Working with Lincy is not about quick fixes — it’s about radical remembrance. Their sessions are spaces of deep witnessing, where the mind softens, the body speaks, and the soul begins to take the lead again. Through a blend of fierce honesty, intuitive questioning, and emotional intelligence, Lincy guides you to unearth the roots of your patterns, feel what you’ve avoided, and step into embodied responsibility. Expect to meet both the version of you that survived — and the one who’s finally ready to live.
My FAVORITE YouTube video of this period! INDULGE YOURSELF IN IT
The books I'm currently reading
‘Wheel of times’ (Robert Jordan)
‘The entire collection’ (Neville Goddard)
‘Wheels reinvented’ (Mami Onami)
‘The prosperous coach’ (Steve Chandler/Rich Litvin)
That's it for today homies! PEACE OUT, BREATHE and treat yourself as if you were God herself, because well… you know 👄🚬🤤
WithObsession
Lincy
