Holding more than just pain

Table of Contents

• Holding more than just pain while living the dream …

• Learning to rest within a system that only knows t …

• THE DATE IS SET FOR MY BOOK LAUNCH AND I NEED YOUR …

Holding more than just pain while living the dream of my former self

I’m living the dream of a former self and at the same time I’m living the pain and exhaustion of my present self. And I feel guilty that I cannot enjoy it more, that my system can’t handle joy quite yet, and then I feel overwhelmed by everything that is here.

My beautiful traumatized system is scared to death by the not-recognized feeling of rest. It feels like a major threat and I cry for it.

Yesterday I had the appointment to set the date for my official book launch party! It’s going to be great. GREAT VENUE. GREAT PEOPLE. GREAT MUSIC. GREAT ART. With balloons, DJ sets, and of course in classic Italian aperitivo style. If you still read the newspapers, you can even read about this event there. I mean, bilingual poetry books are not that common, you know — especially not in my niche.

Anyways. I see all the beautiful things that are here, the people that love me and believe in my art, that are invested in making it the best launch of the year — which it probably will be. As you all know, I’m not very humble when it comes to my work as a poet, and the poetry is beyond time and language. This book was a proper birth, and in some ways it killed me.

I learn a lot about the human I am in. How trusting myself is difficult, for my brain wants to continuously remind me of the things where I let myself down. Or to be honest: the things that happened to me, so I had to create unconscious mechanisms to protect me, and I’m blaming this on myself. Or to be more honest: my brain is blaming my brain.

So how does it work?

So multiple mechanisms work at the same time. Also the me that is rewriting all these happenings; ‘future me’ that I also already became (remember: all at once). She makes sure that all the blind spots will drop it to the light. The ‘me that I am now’ has the tools to embody these new intensities that the ‘old me’ has stored in her system…

But it was never more clear than now how many, many, many programs were still running in the dark, now that I’m walking the experience of dreams, or success, or pleasure, or rest. And it is not about only SEEING, I could see more clear for years now, but it is using the human system to ON THE SPOT deal with it. To move it. To BE with it. So that it can be released from the ‘every day menu.’ Who knew that this world hurt as fuck

You know… the other side of the coin of suffering.

Now the spotlight hits the dark. My system is SHOCKED.

Crying. Pain. Brain attack. Spasms. A whole motherfucking brainloop going wild…

And in this I rest. Or… ‘and in this IAM.’

Fuck, I always fall short on words

Learning to rest within a system that only knows trauma is a trauma experience in itself. Hahaha… the irony! 😭

Just as ‘becoming yourself’ is literally becoming the human that you are NOW, ‘just’ with the light of sight (yes, it will scare your system to death). And there is no such thing as ‘a perfect Human.’
To be human is to be all.

Luckily these days I can laugh about it… The motherfucking irony. Not always, but what else to do…

Anyways. So I’m living my dream. The dream of the woman who was not even able to comprehend the idea of becoming the writer she wanted— to publish the books, to have the launches, to walk the walk and talk the talk.

And yet, I’m here. Right here.

Living it fully: the pain, the grief, the guilt, the happiness, the gratefulness.

The end of the illusion that there will be a future version of me that will NOT feel all the feels as intensely as I do.

The end of the illusion that ‘becoming me’ would save me from… BECOMING ME!!!!!!

The end of illusions. The end of expectations.

Only a very strong experience of being here, with the one I call me. And the trust she has in what I can now only call—

the unknown

And I AM proud as fuck to realize that the work Im doing is getting me to the place where I am free to be with it ALL so it shifts continuously because the space to be with it is ME.
And the poetry, the dancing, the book and the publishing are a consequence of that ❤️

THE DATE IS SET FOR MY BOOK LAUNCH AND I NEED YOUR HELP

After my first book was published with an official publisher, I learned something crucial: the publishing world does not refine you as a writer — you do.

Earning only 8% of my book sales while doing most of the work myself anyway reminded me of the place we, as artists, often live in: needing recognition from the external world before giving it to ourselves.

Being published taught me that I am, in fact, “good enough” to call myself a poet. And now, we will do it differently.

Art and poetry are community work. They are about putting life back into a world where we are used to only take.

This book is not just mine — it is ours. Every word, every page, every launch is proof that creation belongs to all of us. When you support this book, you are not just helping me publish. You are standing for a world where art is alive, shared, and celebrated.

Let’s publish this book together and become part of my dream!

Thank you! 🥹❤️